Wednesday, January 05, 2005

And I thought Americans were stuck up...

Not too often that I get the pleasure of fisking something here. (Well, really, I don't do too much of ANYTHING here...) But I found this on someone's Xanga (go to the link in this post to see who, if you don't know), and it was a few posts down (meaning no one would read my comments), so I decided to replicate it here. Really is funny, once you get past the insulting part.

by Basil Fawlty (aka John Cleese)

I saw that guy doing a show on how to choose/order/serve/store wine on the Food channel. Quite good, and slightly funny (which of course for him was manditory). Too bad it's info I will never need.
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA

Too bad our choices were making that a bit impossible to avoid...
and thus to govern yourselves,

That's why we have a small-r republican form of government...
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other

Which means absolutely nothing...the Queen does diddly-squat. She doesn't even use the few actual government powers the monarchy has left. Too bad for that; Parliament isn't doing too good of a job at the moment.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Neither do I. Good call. And that means a bit more, coming from one such as I, methinks.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)

Now that isn't true! Most know about Mexico, and/or Canada!
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

That not so fair. Even New Zealand gets to elect its minister.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.


I mean, boo to you.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

Well, McCain and Clinton will not be so much in the news (and thank goodness to that!).
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

Thank goodness! We couldn't do anything without someone to depend on to rule our every move and such!
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be Amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

A-lu-min-e-um indeed!
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Think how much of a Brit's life is wasted putting in those superfluous u's, though. I mean, they have to spend at least a day of their lives, if not more, just writing one letter! What a waste. So sad.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the

I never did get why it is "donut" here. "Doughnut" just makes more sense. I always personally spelled it that way.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

Z is just such a fun letter to write.

And letters shouldn't have to be spelled. That's just them Brit's making things harder on themselves.
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Now, that is just WRONG on the Brit's part.

For one, English is a Germanic language, so it makes sense that "burgh" would be pronounced the way it is spelled.

For another, it would be Pittsburg, not Pittsberg. They are very much different in the pronounciation, and in meaning. Pittsburg means "Pitt's castle (or city)." Pittsberg means "Pitt's mountain." The h in Pittsburgh softens the end consonant; kind of Anglicises it.

And the worst thing about the "burra" thing:

STOP BEING SO BLOODY fRENCH! Pronounce your letters! They are there for a reason!

Moving on...
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Generally nothing. Absolutely, EVERYONE should raise their vocabulary. It never hurts, no matter how many words you know already.
Look up "vocabulary."

I'd rather not.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."

This is related to the above.

Filler words are such a bad habit. Not like you Brits are free of it. But that is another story...
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

Can't argue with that. Although, again, Brits have tons of bad language in their shows. Much more so than in America. So then, WHO should be increasing their vocabulary again?
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

Obviously, there is. Otherwise, there would be no need for the above points to be made, now would there?

And don't bother contacting Microsoft about anything. They won't change it.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.

No, it isn't. I don't know of anybody who has trouble with that particular thing.
Of course, I don't think I could associate with anyone who did.
English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

But those are the easiest to do. And, they are the easiest to differentiate from any American accent, especially Southern.
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

I know of no shows like that which have subtitles. What ARE you talking about?
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

It's not quite the same. British counties have little to do with American states. It would be more like "San Bernardino-shire" or "Maricopashire." Not even you would suggest that.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.

They don't? I was not aware of this.

And besides, villians just sound so much more EVIL (as well as refined and classy) in some sort of upper-class English accent.
Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Oh, and should it be required for Russians to play Russians, Spanards to play Spanards, or french to play french (heaven forbid!)?

The point of acting is to ACT LIKE SOMEHTING/ONE YOU ARE NOT!
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up halfway through.

Now, that's just being mean. It is A LOT simpler than our own anthem. Shoot, we even made an American song with that tune that is more complicated than the original ("Let Freedom Ring").
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind
of football.

Obviously not, or the point would not be made.
What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

That is just a matter of opinion.

And everyone knows soccer isn't very good (at least to watch). The rest of the world (that doesn't have baseball; I'll get to that in a minute) just doesn't know anything else to watch.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.

Except Canada. Although, I don't know if that border is quite official...
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

Actually, it is rather simple. That is why SMALL CHILDREN can play it. And that is where most of the players of that sport here are. When they aren't playing baseball. For some reason.
Those of you brave enough

Or stupid enough...
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

Well, rugby isn't much different than soccer, except that you can use your hands and tackle people.

Which makes more a much more exciting game than football, I agree; but are there any real rules to that game? It just seems to "go."

Oh, and with the padding.

Americans like their teeth. And blood. And testicles. That is why we protect them. It is really hard to make a career of a sport, and make good money, if you can't play well due to injuries.

And if you notice, the people who play football are a lot bigger than the people who play rugby (who are quite similar to soccer players, but more violent and/or stupid).
You should stop playing baseball.

Tell me something I don't know!
It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.

I always wondered about that, when only two countries' teams are involved (again, Canada, which you love so much).

Which makes even less sense when quite a bit of this hemisphere, and also of east Asia, plays it. It is no accident that many of the good, famous players are foreigners.

It is, like, pretty much the top sport in Japan (that is played anywhere else; Sumo wrestling is big too), and the second in South Korea (Starcraft is the first).
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

Why go backwards in time and sports evolution? Baseball came from rounders.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

And it is thinking like that which caused us to rebel in the first place.

Remember, when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.

And the government, which is quite possibly worse.

Too bad you Brits didn't learn that sooner. And Parliament still hasn't learned that. Looks like you're learning your lesson now, though.

And it isn't sensible to carry vegitable peelers in public, anyways. That's just crazy.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

That's just stupid.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Indeed. At least cars made by German-owned companies (like Dodge: good trucks).
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.

Possibly the worst transportation snafu Brits ever made.

Only thing worse is the two-lane roundabout. What is the point of the middle lane?
Youwill start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

You know, about as many countries drive on the left as don't use metric.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

Maybe, but unlikely.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.

And what relevance to the universe does Belguim have?


Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Well, British beer isn't "warm;" it's served at room temperature, which in England is significantly cooler than in America.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

Yah, like that will go over well. This isn't paris.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

That's also just plain dumb. But whatever, I don't drink tea.

If it weren't for the source, I would support it. Sounds like fun.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

A topic completely out of my personal understanding. Won't touch it.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

You know, this is starting to just sound bitter. The reason European oil is so expensive, besides the fact that their refining capacity is pretty crappy, even compared to us (it is refining, not crude that defines the price - that is why diesel prices are pretty much independent of gasoline prices - but not the heating oil prices - oil products refined about the same amount; in California's case, the additives also drive the price up, which is significantly higher than other states': go a mile across the Colorado and compare the gas prices with those in Blythe). They also insist on buying oil from the Middle East, almost exclusively, as opposed to the US, which gets most of its oil and oil-products from Mexico and Canada. (And more would be from domestic sources if we could drill and pipe in more places.) It's their own stupid fault.

Also, driving up prices way more than the market would allow...
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Like Shakespeare said, "Kill the lawers!"

A thing about the guns: a child can handle guns (and probably should, so not to be unreasonably scared of them, like many grow up to be) IF AND ONLY IF they understand and use the proper safety practices. It is not a "grown up" thing, not a maturity issue. Just a responsibility issue. (Of course, you start kids off with pellet guns - no use having broken bones/joints from a full-sized gun; just something to start them off psychologically.)

As you can see, gun-rights is a big thing for me.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Well, I would, if you weren't so snarky about it.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Hmm...We'd like to see you try...especially after your armies are defeated after you try to take away our guns!

See children, this is why the old saying is "You don't want the [Queen] of England in your backyard, do you?" Or something like that.