Thursday, May 06, 2004

This is something from T.A.I.R. (See the link over there->).
I didn't write it, so pardon the language:

OK, We Lied...
There IS actually something more that needs to be said.

How can we resist when LC Evil Otto presents us with one of his personal and inimitable Fiskings? No, don't bother, we can't.

So here it is, LC Evil Otto goes medieval on Rrraalphhh... Take it away, Otto:

(Hit the "Give us more, O Caesar!..." for the rest. You know the drill)

Give us more, O Caesar! »

Hey there, kiddies, it's Ted Rall time! Do you all have your barf bags? You're gonna need 'em!


With a name like that, it's got to be good.

By Ted Rall

Voted 2004's Leftist Fuckwits Illustrated's MOST LIKELY TO BE MYSTERIOUSLY RUN OVER BY AN ABRAMS TANK.

Or, We're Looking For a Few Good Homosexual Rapists

I think you made a mistake, Ted, and posted your personal ad instead of your column.

NEW YORK--Now it's official: American troops occupying Iraq have become virtually indistinguishable from the SS.

You can tell by the way they wear black uniforms with skulls, slaughter Jews, and repeatedly invade Poland. Nope, no difference there...

Like the Germans during World War II, they cordon off and bomb civilian villages to retaliate for guerilla attacks on their convoys. Like the blackshirts who terrorized Europe, America's victims

Those, poor, poor "victims," whose only crime is shooting at American soldiers, bombing them, and occasionally dragging the mutilated bodies of Haliburton "mercenaries" through the streets.

disappear into hellish prisons ruled by sadists and murderers. The U.S. military is short just one item to achieve moral parity with the Nazis: gas chambers.

And when they're built, Ted, you'll be the first one in. There are quite a few people who'll see to that. (Whistling quietly)

"Numerous incidents of sadistic, blatant and wanton criminal abuses were inflicted on several detainees" by soldiers, freelance mercenaries and professional torturers under the command of CIA intelligence officers at Baghdad's Abu Ghraib prison, according to an internal government report.

"Take my word for it! What, you want actualy evidence? I'm Ted Rall!!! Would I lie?"

The detainees, about 60 percent of them assumed to be innocent by the Americans themselves

Because the military has nothing better to do than to arrest random Iraqis and imprison them for long peoriods of time. The military just loves babysitting.

were routinely beaten, sodomized "with a chemical light or broomstick," urinated upon, tied to electrified wires and threatened with death, stripped and forced to perform homosexual sex acts on each other and U.S. troops.

...But enough of Ted's fantasies.

Don't be fooled by military apologists who insist that these American SS are nothing more than a few bad apples. Seymour




who has read the army's internal report, quotes Major General Antonio Taguba as saying that U.S.-committed atrocities are "systemic, endemic throughout the command structure...[The soldier-torturers] were being told what to do and told it was OK."

So let me get this straight; Ted hasn't actually read the reports himself. He's just taking someone else's word for it.

True, most soldiers probably don't condone torture.

OH, THANK YOU TED!!! Thank you sooooo much for your heartfelt, half-assed little disclaimer. Y'know, I've heard that most left-wing political cartoonists probably don't like being ass-raped by gorillas, but...

But all soldiers have been tarnished by it.

And here we have the "but." There's always one, isn't there? Yes, Ted Rall, that famous, patriotic supporter of our troops is going to tell us what tarnishes them. Ted Rall, who called for the deaths of American troops, is worried now about their reputations.

George W. Bush's new gulag archipelago,

Y'know, the irony of a leftist fuckwit like Rall whining about gulags is enough to make me vomit everything I've eaten for the last twelve years.

a string of concentration camps,

...Where prisoners are housed, fed well, and given access to their religion. Yes, real concentration camps. Just like the Jews suffered.

military and INS prisons that span the globe from North Carolina to Iraq to Afghanistan

Wait. We've built prison camps where the actual war is being fought?!?!? Are we INSANE? What's next; are we going to imprison the people fighting against us?

to Guantánamo Bay to New York City, has been designed to give torturers the veil of secrecy they require to carry out their hideous acts as well as the tacit understanding that they won't be held accountable. The Red Cross, defense lawyers and relatives of the victims, few of whom are charged with a crime,

Few of the Red Cross, defense lawyers, and family members are charged with a crime?

are denied access to the detainees or even the simple confirmation that they're being held by our government.

And I'm, like, all broken up over that. Really. Those poor, poor terrorists. Oh, sure, when they have a war, it's always the terrorists who suffer.

Some soldiers, like Sergeant Ivan Frederick II, "questioned some of the things I saw,"

...Like the UFO crash in Bagdhad. Which the Bush administration covered up.

such as "leaving inmates in their cell with no clothes or in female underpants,

OK, now I've got to admit, that is pretty horrible. Who would want to see these ugly, bearded fucks in frilly panties?
The Bush administration has much to answer for if they're inflicting that sight on our soldiers.

handcuffing them to the door." But when he discussed these abuses with his superiors, he says they brushed him off: "This is how military intelligence wants it done."

Oh. My. God. Do you mean to tell me, Ted, that the intelligence services are being mean? Those bastards. They should have offered the terrorists tea and crumpets and asked (politely) if they could maybe tell us about what they were planning and who their friends are. I mean, if they feel up to it and aren't too depressed because of the last episode of Iraqi Idol, in which Ahmed was voted off (and shot) even though he was CLEARLY the most talented.

As proven by the classic psychological experiments of the '50s, people put in a position of total power over another human being find it hard to resist abusing their charges.

Keep that in mind, Ted, if you ever go to prison. (cracking knuckles)

Prison guards mistreat inmates for a simple reason: they can. Wherever one controls another, sadism is inevitable.

There's an easy solution. Simply abolish all prisons. That'd work, right Ted? (I shouldn't say that; he'd probably agree with me.)

However, this tragic truism can be mitigated by creating mechanisms to ensure transparency behind bars. Granting prisoners access to attorneys, journalists

...Dog catchers, their crack dealers, Miss Mary Martin's pre-school class, the Pope, and Count Chocula.

and other members of the outside world, unannounced inspections by human rights agencies,

Who never, ever have an agenda or an axe to grind.

recognizing their rights under the Geneva Conventions

Which they violated by fighting out of uniform, which means that (according to the Geneva Convention) they don't HAVE any rights.

and rigorous prosecutions of criminal guards can never entirely eliminate abuse, but they're essential to prisons run by democratic societies.

If ony Ted were as furious at the, y'know, TERRORISTS as he is at the "criminal guards."

We know about Abu Ghraib only because the inbred psychos who forced nude Iraqi men to pile up in pyramids were dumb enough to snap photographs as mementos of their time liberating the nation from Saddam. It's like the Rodney King video: cops beat up blacks every day, but there usually isn't a camera around.

Other than on their squad cars, in the hands of pretty much every citizen, on cell phones, in convienience stores, and pretty much everywhere else.

Abu Ghraib, you can bet your bottom dollar,

... that tomorrow, they'll be sun! Oh, sorry, thought Ted was slipping into Annie mode there. I just wanted to sing along.

is merely the tip of the iceberg. Our military is structurally corrupt. Beginning in Afghanistan during the weeks after 9/11, civilian command yielded to the amoral gangster mentality of the arrogant intelligence officers of Army Special Forces and the CIA, who stand accused of massacring thousands of captured Taliban prisoners

"Accused?" By whom, Ted? You?

yet have never faced a real investigation. The new tone of lawlessness comes all the way from the White House, directed by a commander-in-chief who starts illegal wars without justification,

This, from Ted Rall, who doesn't even think the Afghanistan war was justified. Hello, Ted?!?!? 9-11? Ring a bell?

strips captured prisoners of their rights under the Geneva Convention and whose smirky fingers-crossed response to the prisoner abuse scandal--"I shared a deep disgust that those prisoners were treated the way they were treated...Their treatment does not reflect the nature of the American people"--sends a wink and a nudge to our uniformed torturers. Keep it up, boys. Keep those broomsticks busy.

You're next, Ted.

Even our coalition partners are getting the message. British soldiers running a coalition gulag in Basra reported smashing the jaw and teeth of an Iraqi accused of stealing, then dumping the broken body of the accused thief off the back of a moving truck. "They did not know whether he survived," writes The New York Times.

You're right, Ted. they should have followed iraqi law and dealt with the thief in that way. A question, though: what should they have done with his hand after they chopped it off?

One more Iraqi, it seems, who won't be tossing roses at his liberators.

Yes, that's the reason we're over there: to receive the roses of thieves.


Post a Comment

<< Home